my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
