Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
