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I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
FUCK WHALES
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