you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
