True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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