Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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