I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
