we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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