guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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