Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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