you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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