I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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