i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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