Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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