Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
