I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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