she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I cockslap morals
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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