We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
