He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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