jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
