My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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