dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
