im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
