WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
