I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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