God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
