I think my fart just growled at me.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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