I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
