I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
3pm strippers are depressing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
