____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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