that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize