the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
