The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
