Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
