I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
