last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
