The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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