Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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