I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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