then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
this hospital has no fireball
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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