I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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