That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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