A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
