the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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