I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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