I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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