If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I got her a Nickelback box set.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
