im six kinds of drunk right now
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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