I heard we made out
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize