I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
