just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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