at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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