Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
