yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
