I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
