i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
