You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
