last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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