The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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