fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
