I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Houston, we have a blender
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize