how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's never too late to be topless.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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