i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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