pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
