Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
