Your dad touched me again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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