he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
