just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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