did you get engaged???
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
