Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
