Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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