she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
